How To Find The One! Tips From A Clinical Psychologist This Valentine’s Day!By The DivaGals | February 13, 2020 | Relationships
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! If you’re a single gal, this time of year could get you down. But don’t fret Divas! We turned to Dr. Nancy Lee, a clinical psychologist and the author of Don’t Sleep with Him Yet: A Badass Guide to Dating in 10 Empowering Steps, to get some real mindful advice on how to find the partner who is going to treat you right!
1. What’s the biggest mistake women make when looking for love?
The biggest mistake women can make when looking for love is falling for “bad boys,” or charming manipulators with the ability to “sell themselves” to you. These oh-so-seductive guys won’t stop chasing until you are caught, which is precisely when the meter starts ticking toward the relationship’s (short term) expiration date.
Of course, truly flawed men like pathological narcissists take the term “heartbreak” to another whole new level. For example, a woman may initially be lured in by a narcissist’s charm along with gifts, promises, compliments, etc., and literally believe she’s found her prince charming. However, it won’t be long before she’ll be blindsided by his lack of empathy and expectation of automatic compliance with his demands — whether by her or even a server in a restaurant. Overall, in order to avoid hitting an emotional brick wall with a narcissist, player, serial cheater (or any of the other categories of ‘flawed” men exposed in the book) I advise choosing kindness over coolness.
2. So where can you find kind men so you don’t have to spend Valentine’s Day alone?
First off, set a goal that you want to be with someone special by Valentine’s Day next year, and start planning now! Step out of your comfort zone and schedule a strategic activity at least once every week where you’re likely to meet men. For example, one week it might be sipping solo with a book in hand at an inviting wine bar. (The book provides an easy excuse for an interested guy to make an approach.) The next week it could be trying out line-dancing, salsa, folk or any other communal dances at a venue with a great vibe. In fact, those dances are all about feeling the vibe and connecting with others. Another week could be checking out your alma mater’s local alumni association events (Ivy Plus may also be an option) or even exploring Meetup.com. The possibilities are endless.
3. What’s one way to turn up the chemistry when you’re interested in someone and want to let them know you’d love to be their Valentine?
If you wish to turn up the chemistry with someone you’re crushing on, look him in the eyes — and keep looking. Neuroscientists who study the chemistry of attraction specifically recommended holding a man’s gaze for at least two-thirds of the time you two are talking to fire up his brain’s pleasure-inducing neurotransmitters — and him. Stepping it up, when nobody is speaking, hold his gaze for ten seconds, and then deliberately look away (a former Geisha patient of mine swears by that one!). As music icon (and former womanizer) Rod Stewart responded when asked what he finds most sexy: “It’s in the eyes. I’ve been out with some extremely beautiful women who have had no sex appeal whatsoever. It’s really a lot more than skin deep.”
4. What are ways to know he’s a keeper?
If your guy is consistently kind, trustworthy and empathetic (meaning he’s able to emotionally put himself in your shoes—or at least try), then odds are he’s a keeper. By “consistently” I mean he’s shown those traits time and again, not just at the beginning of getting to know each other when you’re both on your best behavior. Also, it’s a pretty safe bet that if a guy continually lifts you up — and you feel better after you’ve spent time with him — then you are absolutely going to want him to stick around for the long haul. It’s also worth noting that women in great long-term relationships often express how incredibly “safe” they feel; meaning they are with a partner who they know has their back.
5. What are the signs that your BFF is the one for you?
One significant sign of whether your male BFF is the one for you is the degree of emotional intimacy between the two of you, as in you feel comfortable telling one another almost anything. Other signs are shared values, interests and pastimes—-even how much you laugh and simply feel good when you’re together. But it’s truly the emotional connection to each other that often leads to a romantic attraction, and assuming it’s mutual, odds are your soulmate (and newfound Valentine!) has been right there in front of you all along.